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A Meditation on Dissatisfaction

Warning: In this article you will find honest admissions of doubt, uncertainty and struggle. If this makes you uncomfortable, please stop reading.

Sept. 22, 2007

If you have been learning about the Law of Attraction or delving into personal development, you know that activities such as goal-setting and visualizing your 'ideal' future play a huge role in creating the life of your dreams. FEEL it, you are told. Make your vision come alive with feeling and emotion so that you feel as if you are already there, and inexorably it will be drawn to you, and you to it. It will manifest in physical form as you, in turn, transform into that person who would be living that ideal life you seek.

Some time ago, when I thought about my ideal life, I envisioned myself having created multiple streams of passive online income. I pictured myself waking up every morning, happy as the sun shines, enjoying my breakfast and my morning walk or yoga. I would perform the (minimal) maintenance on my businesses and then go about my day, FREE! Oh, the joy of it.

Free to what, you may ask?

Well, to someone who feels trapped and helpless (as I did when I began this journey), it doesn't always get far beyond free. The word, the very concept is so magical that it holds us in sway. We laugh at the absurdity of the question - free to do what? Why, all of those things we've been denied each day we were slaving away 'just to survive.' We will just cavort and learn and grow or maybe just relax. We'll have more time for visiting and playing sports or writing our novels or learning to cook...whatever it is, we just know we don't currently have time for it, but we will when we're FREE.

Reality Check

Each day as I sit at home and do my work in the privacy and comfort I once envisioned, I find I am both finding myself and losing myself. I am unsure whether all of the things I am doing make any sense, or will lead me where I want to go. I am working far more than I had pictured, and of course could do WAY more than I'm doing. There is nothing passive about it - yet.

I wanted to apply my writing talents and love of learning to make my fortune. At every job I've ever had, my writing and communication skills have always been those which got me the furthest. My ability to express concepts for myself and for my clients has been commended and has often invited comments such as 'Wow, you are so good at that. I wish I could do that. You should find a way to make a living doing that.' I always had a 'job', and in that job I would find ways to write creatively. I was always the one, wherever I worked, who ended up writing or editing the company newsletters, online material, ads and brochure copy.

So, after years of feeling stifled and trapped in cubicles and offices, nice as some were, I decided I must have my own business/es. Even as a Realtor, I found that I was constantly working for someone else, and it didn't offer me the freedom I so badly wanted. I wanted to be creative and smart and independent and answer to no one. I vowed I would learn whatever I needed to know, and I have learned so much - such a steep learning curve. The more I learn, however, the more I realize how little I know. There are so many potential projects and avenues competing for my attention I am not sure where to focus my efforts, and focus I must if I wish to progress and make my work worth the time I put in. While I once was immersed in the 9 to 5 world of commerce and business and felt it was monotonous and stifling, I now find I sometimes feel that way at home.

Accompanying this feeling of listlessness are background fears/thoughts such as 'Will I ever find something that engrosses me the way I thought this would?' and 'Is there such a thing as fulfilling, well-paying work?' and most of all 'why do I even have to work? I want to play!' and then there's the nagging 'Well, then why aren't you playing in your spare time?'...

I work and I rest. Aside from more freedom to do the activities that are required of me (driving my daughter to school, volunteer commitments) and those few pleasures I enjoy regularly (going for walks, traveling, reading), I am not living that fantastic, buzzingly exciting life I envisioned. I'm not playing tennis every week, or looking fabulous at cocktail parties, or speaking about my books on a raised dais. Q: WHY NOT?

Insight: I am living a new definition of what I believe is possible. Previously, I didn't think I could have what I have now. It seemed impossible and far-away, but I diligently created it. Now, I don't think/believe I can have the millions I want...now this seems like reality and it feels as if I can't burst the bubble and move forward.

Sept. 23, 2007

Update: The Universe is amazing! From my clear and honest acknowledgment yesterday in the above post that I was stuck, I opened a new door for myself. I feel rejuvenated and excited and I am enjoying complete clarity. I had the urge to re-read one of my all-time favorite books (although the writing isn't fantastic, the message is extremely relevant), Rich Dad, Poor Dad. I was reminded of my financial reasons for wanting passive income in the first place, and I read my statements above with shock. I know better than to say such things, and I had forgotten. If wealth - true freedom - is something you are after, read this book.

This whole post serves as a lesson on conscious creation. We notice what is working and what isn't; we take responsibility and honestly look at what IS. Then we go about changing what isn't working by focusing on what we want.

Simple! But not always easy...

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