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I'm Not Who I Say I Am! (An Exploration)

Smelling the Flowers

If I want to be someone who is free to choose my daily activities and who enjoys life to the fullest each moment, then why am I not? ... I thought I was.

I have spent the past few years arranging and creating my life so that I work (play) from home, travel regularly, and can stop and smell the roses, so to speak, whenever I want. It has been a struggle, and a journey, and a marvelous learning adventure. One cannot create the life of their dreams without consciously doing so, and in the process learning and defining a LOT about themselves.

So why is it that I recently felt a strange pang of guilt as I watched people going off to work dressed in business attire and looking at me jealously or perhaps with - what was it? - disdain? As if, dressed in my casual clothes I was 'just a housewife' or something, and not contributing to normal society. Where did all these thoughts come from? Obviously from inside of myself, but I am shocked that they are there at all.

I had just sent my daughter off to school, and it was such a beautiful morning that I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood before returning to my computer. I live in a very vibrant and bustling community which was busy with commuters walking to the subway and driving past me to go to their workplaces. In my flowing summer skirt, t-shirt and flip-flops, I looked very separate from this rushing world. I have a been a part of it and chose to leave and pursue my very personal and ambitious dreams. I am home because I have exercised my personal power and created a life that is aligned with my highest value of freedom. Thus, this scene represented the results of that choice; I had the freedom to enjoy the little birds and the flowers and the stunning sunrise at my leisure, while people still 'trapped' rushed past me. So why did I feel guilty?...

Inner Conflict

This is a lesson in conflicting thoughts. It's good when they surface, because you can recognize them and straighten out your beliefs so they align with your values and desires. What I realised on this morning was that I am not who I say I am, at least not 100%. The reason I felt odd or awkward about not going to 'work' was that part of me must still be identifying with that ethic. Part of me must still believe that you have to work from 9 to 5 for a living, and that anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves, or perhaps is lazy. This was an opportunity to see that my beliefs were not aligned with my desires. I was not identifying with what I say I am.

Do you think truly wealthy, free and happy people feel guilty about being so? Wouldn't that defeat the purpose?

I have noticed this as well when speaking with friends of my husband's. When they ask me 'what I do,' I somehow feel I must justify my existence by saying I work from home, or I own and operate a network of internet-based businesses, etc.. However, if my goal is to be independently wealthy, to just have fun investing my money and just be...well, HAPPY...then why should I feel the need to justify anything at all? Perhaps there is a need to fit in by having something to say with which they can identify. I need to give some thought to what I might be comfortable saying that speaks of who I am without attaching some job or label to it.

For now, I'm grateful for the opportunity to have noticed a limiting or misaligned belief, so that I can explore and change it to something that serves me better. This is the process by which we grow and change into the people we want to be - the people who are living the lives of our dreams!



CheerfulMonk said...

I've noticed the same thing in myself. I'm with you, I just notice that the conflict exists and don't take it too seriously. I label feelings like this as "creative discontent." It means sooner or later it will resolve itself creatively and I will be the better for it.

Great post. Thanks.

Jean Browman
Cheerful Monk
Transforming Stress Into Personal Power

HighLife said...

Thanks, Jean!

I sometimes feel vulnerable posting such things, as if I feel I must be perfect and always offer wise advice...but the wisest thing I can do is admit I am constantly learning, and share what works for me.

Have a wonderful day.


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